they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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