wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
