It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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