i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Randomize
