So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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