watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize