Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
