In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
