I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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