I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
