She said her name was "party"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
