so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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