went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
