: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
