Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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