Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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