What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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