She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
