Sry I called you an 8
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
