I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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