i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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