ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
