It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
