you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
