pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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