i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
