My nipple is on Facebook.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You ruined the universe
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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