dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
