chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
