I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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