so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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