My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
