I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
