peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
