I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
