Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize