im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
