I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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