Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
