captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I love you. Go after that dick
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
