Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
