Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
