Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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