Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
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