So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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