After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So. Much. Porn.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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