we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
