apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
