i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
