I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
