Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
