My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
