Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
