All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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