I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
you had me at cake vodka
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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