just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
