I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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