my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
