I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
