you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
