hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
