she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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