The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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