I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
