I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
